Don't attempt to get too close to me without my permission. I bite.

Post Mortum

2014 draws to a close, marking almost a decade since I started to blog.

It's funny how small, seemingly inconsequential things seem to bug you only at certain periods of your life.

Like for example, how ever since the doctor mentioned I have a borderline-low blood pressure, suddenly my life's entire paradigm seemed to change.

Well, a year doesn't really come to a close without yourself reflecting on what you have achieved or lost over the months..

Let's see...

[+ve]

1) I think my physical body has transformed quite a bit, incurring an onslaught of comments, both positive and negative from people around me. I like how it's progressing, but I think I need to start changing my routine. Given my size, I am actually still quite weak. Oh, and yah, I'm definitely not about to stop growing - the end is nowhere in sight.

[+ve]

2) I believe I've reached a point in my life where striving for contentment seem more important than running the rat race. Machiam sounds like I'm damn old, but I see people around me struggling to climb up the corporate ladder, surrounding themselves with titles and wealth, while pretending to be happy. Sort of makes you question the purpose of life. I believe strongly that happiness is closely tied to what you believe is success, and claiming it for your own contentment and the glory of God.

[-ve]

3) I've not felt much spiritual growth this year, perhaps cooling down from the years in Brisbane - but that's not how the Spirit works, does it? I really need to spend some quiet moments with God in the upcoming year. I've not heard His voice for sometime now. Feels empty. Nonetheless, I've been coming up with various ways to justify myself... from serving fervidly in the ministry to running all sorts of food-based fund-raisers. Nope. Still feels empty. If anything I feel on the verge of a major burnout.

[-ve]

4) Family. Even though I may not say it, I've really been neglecting my parents. It's something I'm really really so ashamed about. Nowadays, I spend like at most one day a week having a meal with my parents, and maybe, just maybe once a month with with my parents and Victor. It's hideously incorrigible. 

I feel like a really bad son. Perhaps my only redemption is that I don't hold back on buying or giving them whatever they need. But still nothing can replace time and human relationship.  

Sometimes, I look at my dad, and I really don't know who he is anymore. Over the past two years, he has deteriorated so much, I can actually see the physical and mental deterioration.

He stays up late in the night until 4 or 5 am, packing and repacking loose items in the house, if not, he will boil all sorts of chinese desserts and pack them in a hundred different containers. Elsewise, he will succumb to his horrific computer game addiction and play online mahjong for hours upon hours (I'm talking like 7-8 hours)

It's nightmarish. Both my mum and I know that such a drawn out, extensive period of such a lifestyle can't bode well for anybody, but he just would not listen to anybody's advise.

Especially in this aspect, I'm at a loss of what to do. 

I don't know how to cope with parental aging, I don't know what to expect, and I don't know how long I can watch my dad destroy his own life on a daily basis.

****

(afk)

Anyway, perhaps on a cheerier topic (almost anything is more cheerier than that horrid fourth point), perhaps I can recount the top ten most expensive stuff obtained this year:

1) Trip to Melbourne (approx $4000)

2) ASUS Republic of Gamers laptop (approx $2400)

3) Skin Care Package (approx $880)

4) Trip to Taiwan (approx $800)

5) Samsung Galaxy Note 4 (approx $640)

6) Cole Han leather shoes (approx $400)

7) 2x Garmin Vivofit - for my mum and dad (approx $350)

8) ASICS Kinsei sports shoes (approx $300)

9) SKII Facial Treatment Essence - for my mum (approx $300) 

10) Timberland GORETEX Weatherproof boots (approx $250)

Oh.. well.

*grins*

I'll try to update more.

Loves.

Overload.

I'm losing everything else because of a few things.
Sigh.. Priorities, priorities.

Really people, I would like to blog more, but at the moment I'm actually afraid of what to write.

I've been afraid for a long time already.

I've been feeling really emotionally unstable recently.

Feels like I need some time alone, without the mind numbing strain and stress of thinking what is going wrong, or bothering about how people feel.

If I isolate myself, I guess, it wouldn't really matter.

I need some quiet time.

Alone.

Reflections as the sun sets

As 2013 draws to a close, I guess it's time to pause and take stock of what are the most important events that happened to me.

This year was a year of change - definitely. Taking massive strides and leaps into areas which I do not know how far I can succeed. But the central underlying theme that permeates every decision seem to point towards one direction, I'm becoming more and more robotic, more and more practical at the expense of relationships and emotional ties.

Well... I'm blogging less and less these days, blogging being part of my impractical and time wasting activities (ironically, I'm reflecting a lot more nowadays).

So before I start getting annoyed at myself for being so unfocused, let me list down the most important events this year for me (*not in order of importance).

1) Mid January: I obtained my license as a fully certified Financial Adviser. Passing a total of 12 modules within 3 months. The nightmare of studying for the 12 examinations still haunt me sometimes, but obtaining the license validated my belief that I am not stupid - definitely.

2) February - March: I transited from DBS bank to Citibank IPB, almost without a moment's hesitation. I believe to this day that it was one of the best decisions I made.

3) January: I met Nicole, Ayesa and Brandon. Along with Jason and RJ, we forged a really interesting group of friends with diverse opinions and similar interests.After more then a decade, I think I found home in a small group of friends that I can talk to.

4) May: My first medical mission opened my eyes to a poverty strickened world beyond Singapore. Some people come for medical help, some come for emotional help, we all provided them.

5) Mid June: I removed my specs for the first time in my life, and read all the words on the optic chart without mistakes. The epiLasik costed a bomb, but I now have almost perfect vision.

6) Mid November: I got my synthesizer. Nuff said.

7) November: I removed my wisdom teeth. Bringing my total teeth removed due to my mouth being too small to 8. 

8) November: My RM and I won an award called "Honey Pot". While, I know it is hugely due to her hard work and skill, I also believe that I played relatively successfully a small role in helping create the complete customer experience for her clients.

9) July: I jumped into Dayang to scuba dive for the first time.

10) Mid December: I visited the Philippines   for the first time and had a gastronomical experience.

Okay, I'm getting sleepy.

In the mocking silence

And then the voices come.
They tell you that you are not good enough.
They tell you are a failure.
They tell you that you'll never be able to make it.
They tell you that the task is too difficult.
They tell you that life will only get harder.

They question your resolve.
They question why despite trying so hard you are still going downhill.
They question why it is you are such an incompetent fool that others can accomplish such simple tasks yet you can't.
They question your beliefs.

And they slowly but surely nudge you towards the inescapable pit.

Your best is not enough, because if your best is getting you the worst, it's time to reconsider what you think is getting you there.

Dear Andrew. Just give up.

To See Again

Now that I look back, I think I should have reminiscence more specifically at the point at which my myopia sets in most strongly.

My vision now doesn't seem to be 20/20, but its far better then previously, though it does seem that my eyes aren't what they used to be.

Well, while it is fresh from my mind, let me recount the entire process of my Lasik experience:

It starts with a series of tests, almost 2 hours long, where they test your eyballs using all sorts of pretty harmless looking equipment. There were about 6 different machines and after that, a lengthy session with the sci-fi looking glasses that helps the optician accurately pinpoint what is the extent of your myopia.

On a side note, apparently there IS a possibility that you could claim Medisave for Lasik, but only if your myopia and astigmatism reached a certain ratio. I barely managed to fall into that category, so now it's cross-fingers and pray that I could get a government subsidy.

Next, the assistant will test your eyes with a series of eye-drops. The main reason according to her was to ensure that there is no allergic reaction to the eye-drops that would be use during the surgery itself.

So that was it for the first day.

The second day was a few days away (for those who find my English incomprehensible, good on you). It was a pretty long wait at the clinic before the consultant finally saw me. He gave me a thorough breakdown on what was the report on my eye, and even kindly drew me a diagram on how my eye saw stuff. (which was quite interesting actually - did you know that technically your eyes see things upside-down? Your brain turns it right side up) - anyway, he warned me that my retina thickness was below average, and the likelihood of me doing a second Lasik, in the event of an under-correction or similar might be near impossible.

Yes, it is possible for the doctor to make mistakes even with today's technology. That set me thinking. But eventually I relented and agreed to sign the indemnity and all the necessary forms.

The day of the surgery itself was nerve wrecking. I took an hours' leave to leave earlier from my office to travel to the clinic to calm myself down. The operation was scheduled to begin at 5:30, but there were plenty of things to do before that.
First I had to read through an indemnity listing all the possible side effects (which I already researched, found out and knew), the follow-up costs involved and of course, the payment.
Interestingly, (and most scarily), before the start of the operation, I had to upfront first. This was not the normal procedure that I generally hear about operations. But I did so anyway.

So begins the operation.

The assistant ran me through all the eye-test machines and confirmed all my eyeball statistics again, before asking me to change into the attire for the operation room. - you know, the pyjamas-like, light-weight green uniform that patients always wear in ER. Before proceeding to tilt back my head to input a barrage of de-sensitizing eyedrops.
Interestingly, I did not feel my eyes getting desensitized or numb. But of course, I would not for the life of me poke my eyes to find out.

In the operation theatre, the doctor was a jovial cherub and the two nurse beside him looked as serious as corpses. He bid me climb on the operation table where a huge machine hovered on top. It really looked like something out of a science fiction book.
I meekly crawled onto the bed, getting increasingly nervous with each passing moment.

Once I was "settled' and "in-place" (I use inverted commas because I was trembling seriously), the doctor started to crack multiple jokes, I guess in a bid to calm me down, but it didn't really work. It was more of my knowledge that he has done over a thousand patients and have over 20 years of experience that calmed me down.
He used a metallic clip-like thing to fasten over my eyes, causing me to be unable to blink I was thinking that I would be unable to control the blinking, after all... it was a natural human reaction to blink. But curiously enough, I did not feel the urge to blink. I guess that was the work of the numbing eyedrops.

Next, the surgeon put some eyedrops that did something, I'm not sure. But I know it's not the numbing eyedrops, as this particular eyedrops caused my vision to become blurry.

Immediately after that, he put a lens over the eye, and smeared some dark stuff onto the lens. Then the machine came to live.
I must say, even a man with ironballs would grimace on hearing the high pitch hum of the machine.

There were three lights, if I recall, green, yellow and blue, with a small red centre. The light was never blinding, nor was it painful to look at. My body was on manual processing mode, and every order from the surgeon was met with as precise a movement from my biological construct.
He told me to look into the red centre, and he calibrated some stuff, then begun the Lasik for real. The operation took less then 15 seconds, but it felt like a few minutes at least. The laser was not painful as it filled my entire vision with blue, yellow and green and red. But you could distinctly smell something burning, like a BBQ. I prayed so hard that nothing would go wrong.
Towards the end of the 15 seconds, my vision slowly started fading to darkness, then almost as fast as it faded, my vision came back, blindingly bright. - it was done, now for the other eye.

The total operation duration was 15 minutes tops, but it felt like hours inside.

When it was finally done, I cautiously lowered myself out of the bed and into heaven - everything around me was blazingly bright. The lights had massive halos, and white light was WHITE light. Even the doctor's suit seemed to be some holy radiant garment.
The surgeon then asked me to take a photo with him on his iPad and then proceeded to usher me out of the theatre.

I was given a pair of super dark sunglasses to wear, with extra protection around the edges for protection from the damnable haze. My eyes was flooded with an anti-inflammatory eyedrops and an antibiotic eyedrop. And I was sent packing.

So here I am - it has been about 2 weeks since the Lasik and my vision is slowly returning, but things are still blur, much to my angst. It feels like about 100 degrees right now. One protective lens is still in my right eye, as it is recovering slower then expected. But all is good.

I hope it will get better.

Spectacle Woes

This is probably my last blog post before my lasik operation due in a few days. 

And after that, I'd probably need to rest my eyes a heck lot also.

So before my vision gets fully restored again, I think I should catalogue what the world looks like to me with 450/650 on my left and right eyes respectively. Guess I shouldn't leave this cataloguing to my post operation, lest the Australian syndrome relapses again.

How does the world look like to me right now?

I guess, for almost 20 years of my life, I have peered through the world through a pair of frames. I hardly noticed my vision getting blurrer and blurrer until it reached a point in time when I lost my pair of spectacles, and I realized just how truly lost I am.

Let me list some horrible disadvantages for wearing spectacles:

1) Waking up in the morning, and for some reason, you can't remember where you placed your spectacles the night before.

Good luck trying to find it, especially if it has dropped behind the bed.

2) Inability to wear any shades. 

I find this a major fashion inconvenience. I like Oakleys, alot. It doesn't help that I can't wear 90% of their products. This, on top of being unable to shield yourself from the glare of the noonday sun - even with a full photogrey or transition lens, the glare is still substantial.

3)  Swimming.

For avid swimmers, we know that there are several types of goggles. Those fat lace goggles for noobs and those sleek racing goggles. Unfortunately, there are hardly any sleek racing goggles catered for those blessed with myopia. So we make do with the fat lace goggles. But it aint a problem, we can still swim faster then you - it just looks, well... 

4) Football.

I think my only paranoia about that game is the ball hitting my face - which incidentally, is quite often. I've lost like 3 spectacles due to some dudes who believe they are Frank Lampard. Apart from the ball making love to your face, is the fact that your spectacles tend to file for divorce when you sweat. This is the reason why in NS, it is so important to get those rubber hooks behind the spectacles. Especially my spectacles; once having made love a few times to a soccer ball, has the tendency to slip away from my face when I'm sweaty.

5) The bathroom.

I'm narcissistic. But who can deny it sucks being unable to see yourself in the mirror when you are bathing. - okay, maybe I might be abit over, but really, reaching out for the shampoo grants you the conditioner and the conditioner grants you the bodywash..... you get my drift. You can't wear your spectacles while you bathe, it doesn't work. 

6) The giant fireballs at night. 

Astigmatism is one side effect of myopia. Your light sources get amplified unnecessarily, and your night vision fails you especially when you need to go to the toilet to pee in the middle of the night.

7) 3D Movies. 

Nuff said. Have you seen a 3D glasses with prescription? 

8) Meeting up with new people and having them comment. "ooh, that guy is so nerdy-cute!". 

Yeah, I can probably lift heavier weights then your boyfriend and 75% of your non-spectacle-wearing-guy-friends on your facebook. Who's nerdy-cute now? heh. But seriously, I don't mind.. I think I'd probably miss that comment most when I zap out my glasses.

9) Zero peripheral ability. 

Birds have about 320 degrees of peripheral vision, Hedgehogs about 260 degrees,   Chimps about 140 degrees, Humans about 120 degrees of peripheral vision. I have about 90 degrees. This means that an assassin could stab me at the side and blink away fast enough that I would probably think my waist suddenly burst out in blood by itself. Talk about lack of defence. 

10) You can't see how the barber is cutting your hair.

This is probably one of the worst. The hairdresser can be happily snipping your hair away and you have no idea how he or she is mutilating your poor crowning glory. More then once have I put on my spectacles to a person I barely recognize any more. And they still have the cheek to ask you why you didn't stop them earlier. Hello, if I wanted my hair to be short, I'm not expecting it to be NSF army boy short, if I wanted it to be that short, I'd go to the deng-lang barber downstairs for $6 to get it done in 5 minutes.

Okay, there are a heck load of disadvantages wearing spectacles, but for those who have the luxury of wearing contact lenses, or never had to wear spectacles in your life before, please don't attempt to stop me from doing my lasik. It's worse then hypocrisy.

For once in my life, I want to see again - like a normal human being.